"Relationships & the associated pre-/post-marital issues and problems -- May 16, 1996"

"Relationships & the associated pre-/post-marital issues and problems"

From Mehran

We had a wonderful evening yesterday at our monthly Doreh meeting. Special thanks goes to Farshid Ketabchi for being the host and to Nelufar Farnudi for speaking to the subject or 'relationship'.

Nelufar distributed a paper by Dr. Gary R. Birchler and William S. Fals- Stewart titled "Marital Dysfunction" as a reference to her talk. She worked with Dr. Birchler while at University of California at San Diego.

The basis of her talk was '7Cs', which are the factors for marital problems. However, Nelufar presented these factors as preventive care to watch for in improving our relationships. She applied many specific Persian cultural factors which impact our view of what we seek in a relationship.

1- CHARACTER

A combination of individual personalities and traits make the basis of character. A person may be kind, generous, sensitive, faithful, which are his/her traits. Once he/she knows his/her own traits, then he/she can look for similar or complimentary traits in a partner.

An interesting insert was from a dissertation by Dr. Kavous Behzadi about the unique Iranian traits of 'Quar' and 'Ashti'. Women are usually expected to attain higher levels of traits to be comparable with average men.

Personality disorders are a part of character to watch for. Narcism is a common one in Iranians due to neglect or spoiled childhood. Little research is done in this subject. There are sub categories in traits.

2- CULTURE

It refers to the influence of traditional family, ethnic, religious, community, and even national sources. These factors can be significant and even dominant in an individual's physical and psychological development. The forces of surrounding culture has major impact on a relationship. However, if other 'Cs' are mastered, culture can be tolerated.

People attending Doreh shared that many problems and expectations come from differences in family level culture. It can cause misunderstanding or miscommunication. One couple managed to balance Iranian and American cultures by being positive and communicating.

Discussion went to the differences in men and women mentalities. Men want to resolve problems while women want to talk it out. There are double standards in Iranian culture. It goes to power, status, respect, and responsibility.

There are many sub-cultures related to religious and family tradition. Acculturation occurs when a person moves from one culture to another. Some traits are more acceptable in some cultures. For example, suffering and putting up in a marriage is more common in Iranian culture.

3- COMMUNICATION

This is extremely important as it is the basis for relationship. Honesty and openness are much needed for understanding each other in a relationship. But one should not over analyze a partner. The receiver of a message should tune in to the frequency of the sender. For example, expression of anger is healthy, which is not very acceptable in Iranian culture.

Sensitivity is part of the communication. One should be in touch with his/her own feelings before communicating them to a partner. The partner needs to show an understanding or mirror them, be a good listener, and put out positive messages rather than negative ones.

In a relationship, one should be optimistic and positive. Degree of openness is a personal choice. There is no choice as over communication. Women may be more a status checkers while men may like to just hang in there.

4- CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Effective communication helps people to identify and understand their problems. Conflict resolution skills are needed in order to manage anger and resolve problems. Effective problem solving is facilitated by the development of focused and mutually acceptable agenda.

People should be non-judgmental, step out of a conflict to see both sides, and re-focus the situation. Expression of emotions is healthy. Men in Iran are more used to expressing anger and frustration.

5- COMMITMENT

Men in general have a problem with commitment. This is different from marriage. It is about expectations and how much one is willing to put energy and efforts. Iranian women are bought up to date with a purpose looking for values and making it work.

6- CARE

It is essential to a truly intimate relationship. Caring behavior encompass not only sex or affection but also the development of mutually rewarding activities, quality time together and interpersonal support and understanding. The world will be lonely without it.

7- CONTRACT

It derives from the expectations which partners have about one another. These expectations should become explicit and spelled out. It is important to negotiate logically and improve communication. Some prenuptial agreements are there to prevent any future disagreements.

Nelufar did a wonderful job in explaining the above complex subjects and in stimulating ideas and discussion. The program last past 11:00 PM. Farshid was a great host making sure people had a good time. Food and pastries were delicious. Thanks to Nelufar and Farshid.

We actually did well without our President and CIO there. We missed Fariba, Forozan and Mina but had some new faces and over 25 people there last night. Our next Doreh is at Siamak's on June 20 about theater.

From Farshid

Folks,

Here is a reminder on the next doreh. the speaker will be Nelufar Farnoody, who's a first year student of clinical psychology, at the pacific school of psychology in palo alto.

Nelufar in the past has worked with another psychologist in san diego, in running seminars assisting married iranian couples on the verge of separation and divorce. however, she will be talking mostly about preventive measures that people need to take in their relationships, both pre- or post- marriage to sustain a healthy and loving relationship.

Nelufar is the daughter of Dr. Nehzat Farnoody, the well-known iranian psychologist/socialogist in San Diego who's quite an eloquent and proficient speaker. she's spoken several times at the society of iranian professionals on different psychology-related topics.

I asked for RSVP last week and already 22-24 people have signed up. however, we may be able to handle a few more. so let me know if you're interested.

farshid

From Farshid

Folks,

The next doreh is scheduled for thur, may 16. the speaker is nelufar farnoody who's is a student of clinical psychology. she will talk about relationships, and the associated pre-/post-marital issues and problems.

The detail on the talk will be mailed some time next week. however before then i need to have an idea as to how many people plan to attend. the place will most likely be in my apt, but it will depend on the numbers of attendees. so please rsvp asap! each person may also invite a guest. i'd like to know by monday, 4/29 if you plan to attend and whether you will have a guest with you.

thanks,

farshid

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